Archive for the ‘ Spoof ’ Category

How to Avoid Confrontation at Thanksgiving Dinner: A Guide

By Amanda Bertsch

With the recent election, politics is bound to come up over the turkey this year. Struggling to cope with your relatives’ political choices? Looking to avoid the subject of Aunt Muriel’s political theories? Just plain sick of politics? Denobis has you covered with your last minute guide to the holidays. These five simple strategies are guaranteed to turn the conversation to safer subjects.

1. Announce that you’re going to school for 18th century artistic portrayals of Nigerian literature.

This is the time of year for many to get caught up on their family’s business, so don’t hold back! Memorize this absurd major and you’ll be sure to impress. Your grandparents will be too busy enumerating the ways you’ll fail to get a job and be a productive member of society to even ask how you voted. Plus, doesn’t it sound interesting?

2. Poison the cranberry sauce.

Nothing says Thanksgiving like a little family feuding, and what better way to do this than with a little sabotage? No one will think to bring up the election results when they’re wondering which dish you’ve targeted this year, and let’s face it, no one would notice the difference in the cranberry sauce anyway.

3. Hold the potatoes hostage.

Now potatoes, on the other hand, are the true star of any Thanksgiving table. At the beginning of the meal, assert dominance by grabbing the entire dish and holding it tightly above your head. Warn your family that if anyone mentions politics, you’ll smash the potatoes on the floor. At dessert, try the same strategy with the apple pie to give your family a sweet surprise.

4. Speak only in Sanskrit. 

Yes, Sanskrit, the ancient and dead language. No one will be able to argue with you if they can’t understand what you’re saying, and if they bring up politics, you can just speak louder. Feel those verb conjugations. Let them fill the room. Sanskrit has no word for partisan fighting.

5. Release a ton of bees.

If all else fails, just release a whole bunch of bees into the room. They’re good for the environment, you know.

 

Denobis regrets that all strategies are undertaken at the reader’s own risk.

Adam Sandler for President

By Aiden Montgomery

In this day and age it seems that anyone can run for president. Are you a self proclaimed businessman who made his way to the top by using his ego-swelled head as a balloon? You’re hired (fired). Are you hiding in the shadow of your presidential spouse? Now you can step out of the shadows. Are you an exotic tiger keeper named Joe Exotic who isn’t going to cut his hair? You’re ready to “Make America Exotic Again”.

A poster to elect Joe Exotic

This got me thinking: what other people are worthy to take the position of being a symbol of democracy? It took me a long time, but I could only think of one man. One Waterboy. Adam Sandler, the man who hasn’t had a good movie since 2004. He’s perfect. He has the same traits of being a success while not being good at what he does as Trump and the lack of being able to admit it that Hillary does. Does he have political experience? No. Does he have presidential etiquette? No. But what he does have is absolutely no experience at all and a talent for improvising things (just look at the ends of his movies).  What separates him from the other candidates? His annoying voice –wait, Trump’s covered that. What about his tendency to pick on people in his movies, but act like a nice guy? Wait, that’s Hillary. Well at least his name is different from anybody who ran or is running like Bernie Sand… None of that matters. The point is Adam Sandler is just the high pitched manchild we need in office.

An image of Adam Sandler

The only person who would make a better person for president is you. If anybody can run, so can you. So when November 8th comes. get out there and vote for the man whose name is on the box of Pixels, a movie which in no way is different from the past Adam Sandler movies from 2005 onwards. If you don’t like the “Sand Man” or any other candidate running, write in your own name. You won’t get elected, but you’ll feel better about yourself, like the other candidates in this years election.

Scientists Reach Gravity Breakthrough

Breaking news! As of yet unconfirmed reports are flooding in from all across the world of gravity pointing “down” today. If this proves to be true, it could revolutionize our understanding of gravity.

Scientists, in a prepared statement, told reporters that “this is a great day for gravity research.” However, they cautioned that these data points have not been scientifically verified and urged crowds of fans to “stay grounded” about the issue until the results can be confirmed.

The researchers were uncharacteristically quiet about their next project, but there are rumors that they may investigate the color of the sky.

 

Happy April Fool’s Day from Denobis!